#19- Playing with fire....
I am sure you heard the saying if you play with fire you will get burned?
Well same relates to alcoholism and drug addiction. They go hand in hand. You cannot sift out whether you are just a drug addict or just an alcoholic. They are the same beast. You are a person, regardless of what chemical or drink you put into your body, who is at extraordinary risk of dependency. Period.
If you believe otherwise, your addiction is cleverly disarming you piece by piece. It is leading you back down the path in which you fought to condemn. A door you believed you had bolted, sealed and cauterized shut. If you feed or sustain one, you will surely awaken the other. Trust me. You are of no exception. The only way to suppress this illness is complete and utter abstinence. No alcohol, drugs or prescription medications that contain opioids or benzodiazepines. I would even stay away from Listerine for fuck sakes. But I know the wrath of my addictions, do you know yours?
Within a week of my sons birth I was back to drinking. I tried however to drink “responsibly” this time. So I created false conditions to try and convince myself that I could in fact control it. Conditions like I would only drink wine or I would only drink a glass or I would only drink a few nights a week.
Within a month I was drinking every night, a bottle sometimes two. Then I moved on to bigger bottles which meant bigger hangovers. But I was going to work and taking care of my son so I must have my shit together.
Within a few months I was back to using cocaine. But it was only on the weekends, only after Cameron had gone to bed, only, only, only, condition after condition after condition. All blatant fuckin lies I would tell myself to try and make it acceptable, to dress my addiction in a pink ruffled dress and a smile but in actuality the flood gates had already burst open. It happened so fast I barely had time to brace myself. I was spiraling out of control in rapid motion. I was working full time, I was taking care of an infant and I was an alcoholic, again.
The truth of the matter is, I never wasn’t.
My addiction tried to tell me that I could drink, that really I was just a drug addict. So I drank. Then I old myself I was a mother so I would never go back to drugs. But I did. By starting with the drink I was essentially lowering my reserve to say no to drugs. I was chipping away the mortar on a wall I had built with an ice pick, taking it down all by myself brick by brick. Within a short time that ice pick turned into a sledgehammer and I stood dumbfounded to see I was standing in the same fucking place I had been pre-pregnancy
All in less than three months.